You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
