I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
