My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
