i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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