i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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