Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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