cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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