I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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