I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
