Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
