My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
