Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
