I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
