So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
