So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
ttyl tear gas
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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