it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize