I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
