you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize