Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
