Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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