I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize