Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
