I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
