Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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