I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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