I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
