My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
