Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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