Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
