Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
