"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
