Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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