peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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