I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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