So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
