don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
