wat bout pragnant strippers??
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
