Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
