I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
