textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
