If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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