why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
