my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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