my phone needs a breathalizer
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize