Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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