I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
