Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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