We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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