The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
