upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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