Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
