I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
