Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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