just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
