I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
