good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
