my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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