Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
