are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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