The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
