You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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