I understand why you refuse to be sober now
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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